well, its september. 10 months till i find out if he’ll actually keep his promise or not.. and who could even imagine what the 10 months will bring. i figured we’d spend the summer together, you know? tanning, swimming, boating.. but we barely saw each other. and now that we’re not together, once again, it seems like my dreams of being together this year are kinda fading. not that i really care, because, if this is my last year, im gonna make it count for something. and although he’s all i think about, all i dream about, and the only guy i’ve ever thought about spending forever with.. and although hes all that, i promised myself i wouldnt dwell on that. and wont let him ruin this year for me, and wont let the fact that he doesnt want me fuck my self confidence around. because we all know whenever he decides to want me again, i’ll drop everything im doing and run right back to him, just like i always do..
” callin your name, is a waste of my breath..”
- jason aldean
its over. again. its hard to say if its the last time or what..
its hard to say what i feel right now.
i dont remember much of the night.. i regret it. but theres not much i can do about it now, is there.. i guess ill never learn. vodka and him does not equal a very good night. and its my own fault, i take the blame. on one hand, i know this is just like all the other times before.. on the other hand….. this could be it…
“dont say goodbye,
cause i dont wanna hear those words tonight”
-skillet
im a selfish little bitch. and i’ll admit it. im a failure and a complainer. i never put my whole heart into anything. im used to getting what i want, so why bother putting my whole heart into it.. right? wrong. well, ive got news for my former self, you played your part. but you need to grow up now. ugh. i have car payments to make, debt to dig myself out of, and work that has to be done - to be honest, i guess now i know how 21 feels. i dont think about as much as i used to truth be told. im always so tired after work. look at me miss hypocrite, finally coming to an understanding. and i’ll bet you all the money in the world that it wont get any easier. no.. i guess whats really on my mind is money. firstoff, i know how it seems, who am i to talk? ive got a house, clothes, clean water, food.. even a computer to write this all on.. but of course, me being the stupid girl i am, im still worried about money. 6 years ago, the average cost of a single family home (whatever that means) was $265,000.. i mean, i know im still young and obviously dont have a six figure job (and dont see how im going to get one ever) but how am i supposed to afford a $265,000 house, let alone insurance for my car, and groceries, and electricity, and oh my god im going to be broke. i dont know how im supposed to do it. im scared. and its the stupidest thing in the world. but im actually terrified …
“you cant runaway from your fear of tomorrow”
-aloha from hell
he called me today. over the course of the day of course. but still, he called. 7 times. 2 voicemails. 1 text message. i dont get it. as soon as i think im doing fine without him, he calls. i debated long and hard weather or not to call him back. and of course, i gave in. why? because quite frankly i feel like i need to make up my mind. do i really want to get over him?
i donno.
i was started to get panicky/relieved when the phone just kept ringing, butttttt he picked up…
hi. heyyy how are things? good. did you work today? yup. how was it? fine. just fine? other than that how was your day? good you? oh it was good. hot but good. been working so much lately … (then he tells me a story, blahblahblah) oh haha nice. did you just get home? yup(lie). you’re big on words today. yup. ha.
(im in the bold if you hadnt noticed)
i didnt really have much to say im still mad that hes doing this to me again. i mean, i dont want to get over him, but it just bugs me when he doesnt call and breaks promises and i just dont feel like putting my energy into it anymore. but anyway - we talked more.. and he asked what i was doing this weekend. i said working. he asked if i was working tomorrow. i said no. he asked if i wanted to go for lunch. i said sure. and before i could stop myself, i asked him if he wanted to go to the city. he said i read his mind, that it was a great idea, and laughed, and said he’d call me tomorrow morning. i then asked him, if he was reallly gonna call me back or if he was just saying he was gonna call me back and then not, like always. he said he’d call me at 11 on the dot. then paused, and said, and if im lucky he’d call me at 11:11.
………..asshole. he knowwwwws me too well for me to stay absolutely dreadfully mad like i should me. fml.
i said okay, and he said he’d talk to me tomorrow. i said yup, he said bye, i said bye, and i hung up.
part of me expects him to call.. part of me doesnt. then theres the other part of me that just wants to lie in bed all day and forget it ever happened.
why did god invent days off!???? if i was working this wouldnt be happennnnning :(
bleh
i dont know
i really dont
i want to spend time with himmmm but the ride to the cityyyy will be awkwardddd.
daddy found out i was going to the city and asked if i was going with 21.. i tried to say a convincing no, but apparently he can read me like a book. then daddy said: ”yeah thats exactly what he wants, to drag you outta here so no one else can see that you two are together…”
and for a second, it occurred to me that this was so true.
but then it also occurred to me that i wouldnt want to be seen with 21 around here anyways. that would get people talking and i really dont want anyone to talk about me anymore.
so i guess im pushing it all aside and waiting for tomorrow to roll around.
it’d kinda be fun to keep my phone on silent …. see what happens?
haha i’ll be sleeping, dreaming of being on vacation and then, oh look its noon. what? 37 missed calls? i wonder who their from. ha.
well? whatta you think?
im betting he wont call.
or if he does, he’ll make me give him road head and then just drive me home when he’s finished.
“im a little bit lost without you”
- scouting for girls
were back to where we started. i havent seen him in a month. not since the night he decided not to call me back (no surprise there). and when i finally decided to call him the other day, he didnt sound the same.. there was something in his voice.. and i could just tell the tables have turned once again. i mean, he still asked how i was and what not, but i could tell things just werent the same. and it hurts, it really does. but im getting immune to it i think. immune to every single plan we made, every single lie he told, every single thing i thought he meant. im stupid and naive thinking he would fall in love with me. and that he wouldnt do the exact same thing he did last summer. but i guess im okay with that because sometimes all you can do is walk away. and although walking away doesnt mean im ever going to stop caring about him, it does mean i have to get on with my life, and at least pretend to forget him. because clearly hes forgotten about me. he didnt even have to say the words for me to know things are over between us. he didnt even have to say the words for me to know that things have changed. and they have. because from now on, im going to unwant him. and even if its the hardest thing im ever going to have to do, im going to do it. because hes not good for me anymore.
“we built it up to watch it fall, its like we meant nothing at all.”
- nick lachey
happy 2 months, where ever you are …
we hungout last weekend, and i figured it was about time to spit it out .. and boy did it ever take long to say it, especially after how long i had thought about it, and believe me, these past few weeks have been brutal. so there i was, driving him to where he had parked, when i told him i had to tell him something. he tried to guess as i tripped over my words, telling him i didnt know how to tell him .. he assumed i was seeing someone else.. haha. wouldnt that make things interesting.. noo.. i finally said it. ”i think im falling in love with you…” and with that i almost burst into tears (dont know why). i didnt dare look towards him.. i just kept driving, expecting him to say thanks or something equally as boyish. but to my surprise he said, he’s not saying it because i did, but that he’s been thinking about it for the past two weeks straight and that he’s falling in love with me too……
and as i dropped him off i said byeee boyfriend, and i had the biggest smile on my face..
“how can you look at me .. ?”
-socratic
ouuuu la la. tonight was a good night. a very very good night.
so much has happened over the past 5 days i dont even want to think about it.
i just wanna put my headphones on and melt away into my own little world - a perfect world.. where i’m super rich and have a pretty car and pretty house. and my best friends would live down the street from me. i’d live with 21, and everyone would be fine with the fact that we’re together. he wouldn’t be in debt and we’d be married because then we could have lots of sex haha. in a perfect world i’d be beautiful and skinny and my face wouldnt be so fat and my fingers would be longer. my eyes would be bigger and my eyelashes would be longer. i wouldnt have freckles or a yucky nose. my eyebrows would be perfect like megan foxs.. and my lips wouldnt be so gross. same with my smile.. i’ll have a beautiful smile. my hair would be naturally long and a pretty bright blonde. i wouldnt have circles under my eyes and such an awkward forehead that already has wrinkles on it. my boobs would be nicer and my stomach would be flatter and longer. i’d even have my belly button pierced like i’ve always wanted. my legs; skinnier, and less dry. my arms would be skinnier and more graceful. my toes would be prettier too. i’d have a pool in my backyard and i’d sit there tanning on my floaty chair, sipping lemonade. it would be sunny almost every day of the week, except for late at night.. because sometimes when theres thunderstorms, me and 21 would sit in our livingroom and watch the thunder and lightning flash across the city. there wouldnt be anymore trouble with the stupid economy, everyone would believe in God, people wouldnt be rude to others. and kids would have a lot more respect for elders - especially their teachers and parents. there wouldnt be any starvation anywhere either. and the population of the earth wouldnt increase very much because people wait till marriage to have sex. in a perfect world i’d be a rockstar. i’d drive down the street in my pretty car (which will be a convertible) and see my face on the billboards, all photoshopped and pretty.. turning on the radio to hear my own song come on.. i’d smile and have the prettiest smile. everyone would turn their heads to look at me and say hello, casually, because the paparazzi isn’t bothersome, and only ever takes flattering pictures. and when i come home, 21 will be there, and we’ll have a nice dinner out by the poolside. then we’d go upstairs and make love till both of us fell asleep, holding onto each other close.. and when i wake up, he’d already be awake. he’d be laying beside me, just watching me sleep, watching me dream. and i wouldnt be self conscious, cause i’d be beautiful. he’d kiss my forehead and say good morning and we’d just lay there and kiss. because we have no one to answer to and no responsibilities. and then i’d go downstairs and make him eggs and toast, because he doesn’t like coffee. and eventually, long after our gorgeous amazing dominican wedding, i would findout im pregnant but when i have the kid, it wouldnt hurt because in my world, having kids doesnt hurt, and no part of your body stretches because of that pregnancy. i would have both a girl and a boy. the girl would have beautiful blue eyes and long dark eyelashes. the boy would have blue eyes and the brightest smile. they would grow up to be beautiful. the girl, enrolled in dance or gymnastics or something. the boy, enrolled in hockey - his daddy, the coach. and all through my life i would never stop loving 21, and he would never stop loving me. i would have house parties, and since B and A are my neighbours, and they had kids around the same time as 21 and i did, they would all grow up and be best friends just like we were. and we’d all go on vacation together to far away places.. spain, rome, greece, aruba, dominican.. ect. but soon the kids would grow up and graduate and we would be alone again. we would sell the beautiful pool house and buy something in the country, maybe somewhere in virginia. but… we wouldnt be alone. we’d have each other. and that would be enough. just like it always was. and all my close friends and best friends would move with us, because we just cant stand being apart. and slowly but surely, we’d start to get older and older, but death wouldnt be pain. no.. it wouldnt hurt. just like in the notebook, we’d be holding hands as we both pass on.. and when our kids find us, they wont be sad.. they wont cry.. no, they’ll be happy, because they know not only are we in a better place.. (not that it gets much better than what my idea of a perfect world is) but we were happy. and we had everything we ever wanted. and all this waiting and confusion…. it was all worth it.
“in a perfect world,
you’d still be here”
-simple plan
its a friday night and im here at home, wrapped up in my music like always.. and wondering. what will it finally take to make me happy?
every day i spend without him feels like forever, but i dont really want to see him. see, when im away from him, i start to think about how i really feel about him and how he could do whatever he wanted with whoever and i would never hear about it. yeah, i have trust issues.. among others. but im left with all these doubts. and momma said something the other day that has kinda stuck in my head, echoing away..
what if 21 isnt the guy god wants me to be with.
but then of course, that got me thinking on a whole new level..
what if we never met? what if i never hungout with him that night? would things have ended up like this anyways? what if i had more faith in him or in myself? what if he really still was with E? what if he’s using me? what if i never find the right guy? what if i break up with him and things never get better? what if i stay with him and i get trapped into a loveless relationship? what if he really does hold me back from doing everything i’ve ever wanted? what if, what if, what if… i could go on and on. but im exhausted from the nightmares i keep having of Y’s crazy ex. let alone just emotionally tired from all this thinking. i dont think its healthy.. i dont know. i guess in a way, one of my biggest fears is loosing him again.. even if right now, i dont really want to be with him. me choosing to be without him is better than him choosing that.. i mean, i know hes reallly busy with work this month and everything but the least he could do is call .. or something.. i mean, it was our one month on tuesday and he didnt even reply to my email.. i donno.. im running out of excuses. and quite frankly maybe i just dont care anymore. im sick of always being the one who has to wait. what am i waiting for? he’s a stupid BOY. why am i moping around about it and wasting all this energy on him when he’s the one sleeping peacefully at night - not me…. where ever he is.. i hope he’s thinking of me tonight.
“its gonna get better”
-wakey wakey
he came over yesterday, and called me like .. 4 times the day before. which was good. i had missed him and totally forgot the feelings i had last week.. kinda…
we sat in my room, on my bed and just talked.. about his work, about his birthday soon, about my best friend coming home finally.. then we went to get a hot chocolate and coffee for daddy. we talked lots since the drive thru took forever. then when we got back home we listened to music and watched cnn and kissed a bit. i tried to keep my distance i suppose, just because i wanted to see what he’d do to get to me .. but he tasted so good.. it wasnt fair. he ended up leaving an hour or two later.. i told him we should go out for dinner tuesday.. considering it was our one month :) he suddenly got a huge grin on his face and was like ohhhh really?.. it was cute. i joked that it was a big step for him. to be with me this long and not change his mind.. he said goodbye and left, leaving me happy and better than i was the other night..
“what can i say”
-dead by april
